Dating

To be honest, I don't know where to begin this. As a blog about Baha'i marriage, it's a little arrogant of me to assume that I can offer any real insights into marriage after a month, but this blog is more of a 'learn from our mistakes' kind of exercise. I wish we could say more, but we don't yet know what will come of this ourselves. (Ostensibly, this will be written by both of us, but since I'm doing the brunt of the typing here, I'm wording it in first person for convenience.)

Rather than beginning right away with the marriage, I'm going to use this post to go further back and talk a little about dating as a Baha'i. This is something that my husband, Bert, and I were especially cautious about when deciding to date – we've both noticed that there can quite often be an undue pressure on Baha'i couples (especially young couples) towards marriage. This is something that can lead to something that my husband refers to as the 'marriage-Baha'i' phenomena.

'Marriage-Baha'i', in a nutshell, is described by Bert as the following: Two Baha'is meet. They have so much in common-Baha'i. They go out to dinner-Baha'i. They see a movie-Baha'i. He's such a spiritual person-Baha'i. She has a beautiful soul-Baha'i. They get engaged-Baha'i. They have a wedding-Baha'i. They have a divorce-Baha'i.

Don't miss the point here, though – I realise that the above sounds quite cynical, but bear with me. Yes, sharing a religion is a wonderful thing in a relationship – but it's not the be-all and end all of forming a connection with each other. Nor should it be the complete sum of your relationship. You need to have more in common with each other, shared interests, similar goals and ideals, sense of humour – you get the idea. This seems obvious, but I've actually watched people (myself included) make this mistake while dating.

Bert and I were fortunate in this aspect. We met while doing service together at a Baha'i school, and were able to get to know each other by working with each other daily. This was a great eye-opener. For one thing, by working together in such a busy environment, you end up seeing how the other reacts to frustration or high pressure situations. We didn't just see this about each other, we saw many people around us in a similar situation, and had the time to get to know each person.

About six months into our friendship, I moved halfway across the world, forcing us to continue our friendship solely through email and phone-calls. While immensely frustrating to do, in the end, I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity it afforded us to really get to know one another. Not only that, but it gave us the opportunity to get to know each other privately, without everyone looking on and making assumptions, which would have put both of us off.

Not everyone gets this opportunity, and it is difficult when you feel that your every move is scrutinised. Rather like high school, really.

Ideally, I suppose, you end up in a situation where you can get to know people in a group, or through a professional setting. If it isn't possible, the point is to try and ignore those around you who are pushing you to get a move on, or even those who gossip about you. There's always those people. The trick is not to care.